Common lies Kenyans tell at funerals

Last year, a eulogy for a young man said to be from Meru went viral on social media. The family decided to give a brutally frank assessment of their kin Deric Mutuma’s life, writing that after a few year of gainful employment “he started to be a criminal, thief and evil dour (sic), untill teh day he met his death... where he was killed by mob justice.”

The no holds barred eulogy created quite a buzz, not least because of its approcah in a society that glosses over the failings of the dead.

It is this same society that eulogised some fallen bigwigs in glowing terms despite controversies that followed them in life.

Quite a number of prominent Kenyans have passed on in the last few weeks. First was Laikipia Senator GG Kariuki, then Interior CS Joseph Nkaissery, then former powerful minister Nicholas Biwott and ambassador Bethuel Kiplagat. All were leaders who wielded power and influence in government over several administrations.

But despite numerous controversies that dogged most of them while alive, they all of sudden became ‘angels’ in death. Never mind some of them were so selfish that they unsuccessfully tried to mortgage this great nation to the highest bidders.

Some were adversely mentioned in the infamous Wagalla Massacre reports, where more than 3,000 people were murdered. Others, the Truth Justice and Reconciliation Commission (TJRC) recommended they be investigated in connection to former foreign minister Robert Ouko murder in 1990.

One was accused of gross human rights violation in connection to the 1984 military operation in West Pokot. Yet another one was implicated in many corruption scandals, including Goldenberg. What’s more, one of them, the TJRC said he bore responsibility for the 1980 Karatasi/Garissa Gubai Massacre, where 3,000 people were killed.

We were lied to of how they were great swimmers, marathoners, philanthropists and whatnot. Some observers say this happened perhaps because talking ill, however factual it may be, of the dead is frowned upon in this parts of the world.

Well, at such times, comforting everyone, especially the bereaved, is always the better and perhaps only option. Unfortunately, the best way Kenyans do this is by lying.

Sadly, pastors are always at the forefront in lying at funerals. They tell untruths about the dead, insisting that the deceased were perfect and some of the kindest human beings.

Some eulogies are outrageously fake, and as a mourner you are left shocked into embarrassment. When rapists, thieves, bandits, philanderers and all manner of crooks die, no one ever verbalises the fact that they were bad people. We generally make up attributes and tell people what they want to hear — nice things.

One wonders, why is it that we claim to be devoutly religious, yet we can’t say the truth and shame the devil as scriptures demand of us?

This, however, is not the case everywhere, a few say it in black and white. Unlike Kenyans — and Africans by extension— who have a curious relationship with the truth and honesty and irrational fear of the dead, mzungus and westerners in general somehow tend to be honest in their obituaries.

Take, for instance, what immediate former US president Barrack Obama said not long ago in his tribute to a senator who had a criminal record of having murdered his girlfriend. Knowing too well that the deceased had some dark moments in his life, Obama remained honest albeit diplomatically.

At some point in his tribute, cousin Berry paused, looked at the crowd and gently said: “Well, senator Ken Kennedy had experienced personal failings and setbacks in the most public way possible.”

You didn’t need to be a rocket scientist to know he was referring to the murder incident.

MOST BRUTALLY HONEST OBITUARY EVER WRITTEN?

In yet another incident around February where a family was keen on saying the truth and shaming the devil in the US, they wrote a brutally honest obituary for their kin. So savage was the tribute that it went viral.

Perhaps to prove how fed up they were with their dad, the Texas family not only slammed him in the eulogy, they also refused to hold a funeral to give him a decent send off.

In the scathing death notice, the family wrote that the 74-year-old’s life was “much longer than he deserved”.

They wrote that their dad had lived “29 extra years longer than expected,” and that they had been hoping upon hope that he goes to hell as quickly as possible.

According to the obit, Leslie left behind two “relieved” children — a son and daughter — along with “countless other victims, including an ex-wife, relatives, friends, neighbours, doctors, nurses and random strangers”.

The eulogy read in part: “Leslie was surprisingly intelligent, however, he lacked ambition and motivation to do anything more than being reckless, wasteful, and squandering the family savings and fantasizing about get rich quick schemes.”

The obituary, which was posted on a funeral home website, went on to say: “Leslie’s hobbies included being abusive to his family, expediting trips to heaven for the beloved family pets and fishing, which he was less skilled with than the previously mentioned.”

It continued: “Leslie’s life served no other obvious purpose, he did not contribute to society or serve his community and he possessed no redeeming qualities besides quick (witted) sarcasm which was amusing during his sober days.”

The daughter to Leslie, who partly wrote the obituary, told local press that she was just being honest.

“I am not sorry for telling the truth, and I am not sorry for standing up for myself,” she said of her father who was cremated.

“At a young age, Leslie quickly became a model example of bad parenting, combined with mental illness and a complete commitment to drinking, drugs, womanising and being generally offensive... Leslie’s passing proves that evil does in fact die and hopefully marks a time of healing and safety for all.”

If the idea of speaking ill of the dead disturbs you, Leslie’s daughter assures you you’re fortunate to miss the point.

“I am happy for those that simply do not understand, this means you had good parent(s) — please treasure what you have,” she told the press.

“I apologise to anyone that my father hurt and I felt it would have been offensive to portray him as anything other than who he was,” she also said.

“The obituary was intended to help bring closure because not talking about domestic violence doesn’t make it go away!”

Court records indicate that indeed Leslie pleaded guilty in 1979 to an assault charge on a relative. He also pleaded guilty in 2008 to assault; pouring hot liquid on his then-wife of 40 years. The next year he pleaded guilty to violating the resulting restraining order by calling another family member and threatening to kill her.

COMMON UNTRUTHS WE SAY OF THE DEAD

Is there any Kenyan who can dare write such a brutally honest tribute to their offending kin? Around here lies always take centre stage. Some common lies at ‘bad’ people’s funerals include, “He has gone to be with angels”. Come on folks, really? Which angels? Who said angels have time to hang out with miscreants? Well, it’s a lovely thought, but half the time it’s never true.

It is common to hear, “He has been promoted to higher glory”, even at an atheist’s funeral. “God loved him so much and needed him/her more than we did”. Big lie. Since when did God start having needs like a human being?

“They have gone to a better place.” This could be true in some cases, not all. Why is it that while alive, people don’t want to lead the life as prescribed in the holy books, but upon death we assume they will enjoy the good life promised in scriptures?

It is good to communicate your sorrows at a funeral, but if you have none, keep quiet to avoid lies and exaggerations.

Much as these convenient lies are intended to help keep interactions flowing smoothly, people must learn and get in the habit of moderating them.

We stretch the half-truth and claim that even anti-social people had this hidden witty and warm side that many didn’t know. Meanwhile, men and women of God must lead as examples. When you preach to people to live according to the scriptures, your word will only be taken as an authority if you practice the same.

As for leaders desperate for political mileage, they lie and make promises like how they will offer support to the bereaved. Some of the common lies include how they will educate the deceased’s children, offer financial support to widows or widowers, only to vanish once dust has settled.